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Monday, December 01, 2003

Ok, No She's Not

Besides turning my life's absurdities into a public display, I do actually have something good to say. I don't have any right to bitch right now. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason.

We aren't right for each other. I was chasing after something. Well, love, obviously. I chased and chased but it only took me up until now to realise that I was heading in the wrong direction. I forced a lot of thoughts only to push us further ahead and all this pushing because I was so blind. I didn't pay attention. We lost couplehood quite some time ago and it really only lasted out of technicality. We got along the few times that we saw each other. The rest of the time I was turning into the raging bitch that makes me Girlfriend. At least Girlfriend to the wrong guy.

I'll know I'm the right girlfriend to the right guy when Raging Bitch doesn't release herself because my own boyfriend doesn't want to see me...and strings me along as his "girlfriend". Raging Bitch only exists when there's a stop sign ahead. And she'll only ignore the stop sign if she's not paying attention to the road.

Too much lame metaphor? I know. Sound like a doofus writing poetry? Probably. Is this all necessary to explain to an audience that I pretend exists? Not really.

And so I continue.

I learned a pretty fucking decent lesson in all this. I discovered where I went wrong. I didn't realise what the real wrong was until the third and last time we'll break up. Feelings change. I tried to get myself to admit that he was the right one for me...excuse after excuse...it was like I was looking for reasons why we were together. That was challenging enough when it should never have been.

In a clearer state of mind I can at least see that there was no real feeling between us. I liked him more because he made me laugh and because he thought spending time with me was valuable. At some point somehow I made him feel good around me and I thought spending time with him was valuable. Naturally I thought it was a relationship worth progressing to see where it could go and here we are. I don't feel any stronger for him than I have for the 6 months we've been sort of seeing each other (3 months of pre-dating). And by now I should know if I could love him or not and I pretty much know that that's impossible. At least with the way we are.

I know what it feels like to have someone like me and eventually that feeling he had for me slowly disappeared. I ignored that. He was busy, work...school. It shouldn't be like that. He's right. If he had stronger feelings for me then our time together wouldn't be non-existent. If I didn't hear him say that, I'd probably be in bed crying or wishing things were like they were before. And sure, I miss those days but reference to the past isn't really a vital portion of living tomorrow. All I can really do with the past is learn from it and remember it. I'm moving forward and hoping that we don't end up hating each other somehow.

It's a different kind of laughter when we joke around. I laugh so he doesn't feel stupid and he probably does the same for me. Real laughter doesn't feel staged or expected it just happens.

What was I thinking? Now that I think of all the times that were "special" I remember how shitty I felt afterward. There were a lot of times when I left feeling like I was on cloud ten, but I think the shitty outnumbered the cloud tens. We never talked about the future, on a number of occasions he's told me "when he marries his Croatian wife...", he never bought me the obligatory lame flowers that are automatically expected every few weeks in the beginning of the relationship, he doesn't...cuddle (I fucking hate that word but I love doing it), he doesn't whisper sweet nothings in my ear, enough conversations about the man controlling a relationship and why it was best that way, and he never lets me through the door first. That's always bugged the shit out of me. Where's the chivalry? Where's the gentlemen? And where the fuck is the romance! Fuck. He's never surprised me with something good.

I've pretty much decided on qualities in a guy that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with based on what he didn't provide for me. Not monetarily (I can do that myself) but emotionally. There's no passion. No intimacy. But there was commitment. There were also enough bad times to cancel out the good times. And we had a lot of good times.

I always knew that I was starting to not feel like myself around him. And I know he doesn't feel like himself around me. It took me 21 years to like who I am and I don't like who I am when I'm around him. I was starting to feel like I had to try hard to get him to like me back (?). That's definitely one of the shittiest feelings ever.

This is good. Shitty in a subjective way but I know better and that I'm going to be living trial and error and this was just one of "those". I'll get over it soon enough. I think I just need to keep thinking clearly and stop fucking whining. (Baby.)

Now on to clearer things. I know what I want in a guy and he may possess a few qualities but all-around... I would seriously need a few years to condition him into what I was looking for. Maybe that's why I didn't want the break up. My lazy ass didn't want to have to go back out there and find the right one. I would've rather turned the bad one into the perfect one. That's way more work.

If I'm surprised about anything it's the way things sort of just cleared up in the matter of a day. I feel so sorry that I made him think that I thought there was something further between us. I actually do feel that we're not right for each other but now I know why and have accepted it. At least I can say that I didn't try to make things work out as people can work things out. People have their differences and match but ours just clash. We're too different in the bad way that fucks things up. Not in a way that just makes things interesting. I think I even found myself trying to pick up his interests. What the fuck was that?

It's time to go back to being Crissandra. The individual that's swayed only by product placement and advertising. Time to be myself again.

"That seven-fingered hand thing really freaked me out,"

"Yeah, I know! I did it to Gandhi and he didn't eat for three weeks"

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