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Saturday, November 29, 2003

For Fuck's Sake

Life's a bitch.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

That's it. I'm eating properly, getting more sleep and stressing out less. I think I have a cold sore.
Without even trying it so happens I've gotten a lot of reassuring answers. We didn't even have to argue. It actually happened over a game we made up which was actually as much fun as it was full of important meaningful answers. Actually, I think it started as soon as we got in the car holding candy we just bought: "If I get a Scooby I get to slap you in the face,".

Will there ever be an inbetween? One day I hate him for all the right reasons. The next day I love him all over again even more and then even moreso because of his flaws.

I think my only problem was that weeks would go by and we wouldn't have one date behind us. An hour here and there of his spare time wasn't good enough for me. And I'd get the ends of it where he'd be too tired to do anything. Sometimes even too tired to just chill. And so one thought lead to another and because he reassured me of jack shit, I didn't feel safe anymore. And so I questioned the place I was in. We almost broke up on his birthday because of me. I didn't like where I was and I was forced to do something about that. Since he said fuck breaking up, as a couple, things progressively got a lot better. Kinda like old times but I feel way closer to him now than before.

"With the way things are going right now, how long do you see this lasting,"

"With the way things are going right now... A long, long time."

Sunday, November 23, 2003

I'm lost. Like looking for a door in the dark, I want to leave but can't see how.

Hate is pure. Love is weak.

I fall for it. I believe in it. Plays me like a game.

You'd do anything for him
at least that much he knows
Cause he'll squeeze you for your last penny
and sympathize when you're broke

He wears your heart like a trophy
and guards his like a troll
If he says something nice
he'll take it back by ending the joke

Funny thing is
This is him being nice
Whether he's ever sincere or not
I think I'll never know
Drown

I need you
I need you to need me
I need you to let me know how you feel about me
I need to know if you're there
or there for me
I need to stop making excuses
and speaking for your actions
I need to know
Are you using me

Tell me the truth
Why do you want me
Because I'd fly to see you
Because I'd die to please you
Because I'd kill to feed you

Why's mine the only heart in this
Are you teasing it
Hope you can take it from me
Take it, watch it die alone?

You lead me into darkness
But trust your guiding hand
I take your word for what it says
But I really listen to your actions

I need you
So does she
You make choices
But you don't feel them
You speak your words like a robot
For what's technically right
So wrong

Please be fair
Show me what your heart sees
Tell me what your heart hears
Let me know what your heart feels

Don't let me drown, not in my tears
Don't let my heart drop from your hands,
take what you won't take care of
Our heart won't survive under here

I need to know
I don't want you want me
Because you know you can have me

Tell me the truth
Why do you want me
Because I'd fly to see you
Because I'd die to please you
Because I'd kill to feed you

I can't be your hobby
Your spare time
The solution to your boredom

You need to need me
You need to feel for me
You need to let me know
So I know where to go

I'll drown
Because I hold my breath
To wait for you to tell me what's real

So we talk
So we argue
So we break up
get back together

You need to know, yourself
Are you scared of what you feel
Because it's not for me

Don't leave me down here
We can't get lost together

Do you string me around
Are you settling or choosing
Helps you feel good about yourself?

You've got what you want
Don't have what we need

You need to let me know
You need to let me know

I need to find my way to move forward
Can't stay stuck here forever

Don't let me drown in my fear
I need to know what you feel
I 've got to know what's real

I can't play this game to see if I lose

You need to let me know

c-dot

Friday, November 21, 2003

C is for 'Chill'

What a week. This past week alone could've sent me to the crazy house.

It all came down to remembering to have faith in chaos. So I did. I am. Whatever. Anyway, as positive a person I am, sometimes it's a quality that's easy to lose. I doubted all of my decisions and turned to my worst thoughts and fears. I let them consume me wholely.

I've got to learn to chill. I think I take some things that don't need to be, too seriously. Or do I? I know I doubt the poor bastard almost needlessly at all times. I think I've just got some senseless trust issues. He's a good guy. He acts differently but that's it. He's still a good guy and I seemed to have pushed that aside like it wasn't important. He's a good guy and I like him for that.

I think this post is really like a post-redeemer...no lame pun intended. This was meant to balance out all the crap that I've complained about in the last week or so as it was vastly overanalyzed.

This last week of arguing or yelling eventually brought us somewhere and it wasn't apart. If anything, I feel closer to him more now than ever. Since we've talked somewhat civilized throughout, things have made so much more sense now than when he told me answers to various conversation q's.

The two of us have been through enough together in the last week and the best part is that at this time I'm even happier with him than I was before. Just when you thought you couldn't like someone any more...he shows me up.

I'm not saying everything's perfect now. But things seem to be developing and growing towards some place really shiny and sunny. I'm feeling really good about this right now.


C-dot

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Your Pants Are So On Fire

Who knows anymore.

Last night was the night that was going to test the strength of our relationship. I decided to break up with him. For real this time, no wussing out. I called him the night before, on his birthday, when he ditched me yet one more time. He was with some other people, which I don't mind. It just woulda been nice if 'other people' were me. If not last night then maybe every once in a while. But no. It was enough at this point. Back together for 2 weeks and I feel more broken up now than when we actually were broken up. He made it clear what his priorities were and I can't control that.

So, as pissed off as I was that our plans were broken (something I only found out only by calling him) it was the right time to end this lasting misery of a relationship. I coulda been heartless and broken up with him on his birthday but I decided to at least wait until midnight. I was angry but I'm not that cold of a bitch even when I'm hurt. So, I waited til midnight. No small talk just, "um...I don't think we should do this anymore,". Needless to say, he was pissed and he was driving someone home so he said we'd talk about this tomorrow. I felt guilty. But it felt right.

Ten minutes later I get a nasty text message addressed from him. Some mean shitty things to say to someone, I'll tell you that much. A nanosecond later I call him greeting him with a "What the fuck." The message has actually been sent by a Stacey, the passenger in his car whom he was driving home. Oh, really? Anyway, point being this was just a confirmation of a decision I had made ten minutes ago. Son of a bitch...

We make an appointment with each other to talk about this whole break up / Stacey thing the next day. We meet up. All are in a good mood. He makes it a point to tell me that he called her this morning and told her off. I don't think he's even got her number and if he does then, what the hell is he doing with it? We cross the plaza to the familiar pool hall that I've sorta grown to feel comfortable in. As soon as we hit the stop sign before we actually get in the parking lot he asks, "So what's wrong with us now..." And then it was every man for himself.

I yelled, with no intention of yelling, about everything that pissed me off about us. My main argument was that he has no time for a girlfriend, which is inevitably true and obvious to anyone that hangs around either of us individually. And the only way that the "anyone" knows is because boy and girl aren't together. I'm usually just wasting my time building a new money-spending hobby while he's making every use of his 24 hour day.

Why do I feel like such a waste of time. If I was a priority I'd have one of his 24 hours. Not even necessarily on a daily basis just every so often. Even a phone call just to say hi and not asking for money or a favour. I'm doing him a favour by cutting this out of his life so he'd have even less to worry about and more time for everything else. In conclusion, he'd continue whatever the hell that he already does minus the burden. It doesn't feel like a relationship anymore. I can't find anything right about it anymore. My heart's already starting to break and I'd like to fix it before it gets worse. It's only been trained to be so tough.

He listened to all this. He yelled back. He gave some explanation to my unanswerable questions. But most importantly he actually looks passionate when he says, "So why do we have to cut this out, why can't we just fix it???"

This seemed like an all too predictable scenario: He doesn't have time for me, I come up with a way to solve that, we go our separate ways.

So we go into the pool hall. We sit down in front of a touch-screen, one of those machines that you can play games on, kinda looks like a tv. And he says, "Why don't I make more time for you and be nicer to you from now on, eh?" I agree, of course. I think we actually have a moment together and then we continue on with our game.

I give him his kickass birthday present before he heads inside his building, he asks me to hang out with him tomorrow morning before he goes to school, I accept, I head home, I go to bed feeling good.

Without ruining that moment he calls me in the morning. He's obviously just waking up, too, and it's way too late to do anything since he has school in less than two hours. He asks me what I'm doing tonight I say I don't know and then he pretty much responds with an "ok, that's nice,". Not really what I was expecting but maybe he'll actually surprise me in a good way.

He calls again a couple hours later, I'm still sleeping and he jokes that I just ditched him, "we were supposed to hang out two hours ago!" Haha, we hang up, I go back to sleep.

And I don't hear from him ever again. And then my eye puffs up as if my emotional punch in the face has just been personified.

So I have all day to think about whether he was just being nice to me at the pool hall because he needed to borrow money or because he was just being genuinely caring.

And then I remember a part of our argument in the car when he said that it was too late to go out (it was 11:30p, I could believe that) but then he says later on in a different part of the argument that we coulda stayed out until "this morning". So which is it. When will the truth chime in. Within you or within us.

It all feels like a sham.

I don't know what to believe anymore. Maybe I'm being a typical woman (most likely) and overanalyzing everything (definite positive) but I won't lie about feeling slightly hurt again. I'm back at square one.

I don't know who the liar is anymore. Him for believing that we should fix our problem or me believing that he actually wants to fix our problem. Maybe we're both lying for mysterious reasons.

If I could only stop feeling,

c-dot

Monday, November 17, 2003

The World Fuels Itself On Perfect Chaos

When my friends run into a problem I try to put a few things in perspective to reassure them that everything will be okay and that we will get through it together. But will everything be okay, anymore.

I figured out where I went wrong. It was turn for my mind to do some thinking and talking on its own. Although I do firmly put my heart before any other part of me, it was time for my mind to put a few things in perspective to reassure me that everything will be okay in the long run. Hopefully. After all, a broken heart doesn't heal itself. So my mind made its decision. It won't be fucked with anymore.

As many people as there are in my life that pretend to care about me but secretly use me for something that they receive when they're with me, I don't need my own boyfriend to participate in this action.

The question with the answer so obvious to everyone but me was, What's he using you for. Duh. Dumb fucker.

I'm so blind. I was caught in a love haze.

To back myself up obviously I had to provide scientific evidence that this was not a real relationship or a real shallow one at that. So, I dug up my old Social Psychology notes and looked over Chapter 6: Relationships. I tell you, although I wrote an exam for this class, if I had remembered half the shit that I studied some time ago I'd be in a different place right now. I don't think I'd let myself get this far in. But when you fall, you fall. And now I find myself mapping out different plans for how to get over something that hasn't technically been finished yet.

This past week, Birthday Boy has ditched me. Not once. Not twice. But as of 10 pm last night, three times. Three times this week, alone. Hey, he decides who he wants to spend his time with but there's definitely a problem when I hear "Well, plans have been changed. I was in an altered state of mind when I made those plans so I'll give you a call when we figure out what we're doing," He's at his best friend's place. And yes, he really did say "altered state of mind". And yes, he really was in an altered state of mind, so maybe I presented myself with my own false hopes and expectations. But it still hurts.

This blog is all over the place. To simplify things, I fell for it. I saw things that weren't there and hoped would just end up there. I wasn't listening. Or paying attention. And now shit has hit the fan.

I did give him my heart. I would've done absolutely anything for him. I've never been actually scared of any of my friends before and the fear kept me feeling safe when he was around. Before anything he was my friend. And I probably miss that more than anything. If I hadn't have kept my mouth shut and kept my feelings to myself I probably wouldn't be losing him like this. Or just losing it, period. All in all, this is all my fault. I - am - an idiot.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Who Cares? No Seriously...Who Cares

Is it reasonable that now that we're together (minus one break-up) that after a good couple months he's decided to change, almost literally overnight, into a chronic, me-me-me type boyfriend who, well....doesn't care?

Interrupting Monologue! This is where we embellish one fact in order for you, the reader, to get the clearest picture of whom I'm actually dealing with and talking about. Interrupting Monologue is what should be said to the other party but is just too harsh of a reality for them to come to terms with and should probably only be dealt with a professional.

Me: You know, things just haven't been the same since you changed. You know, since you've turned into an even whiter version of Eminem, but that's just you. That's who you are. White. Very white. Whiter than daylight itself. In the middle of June. On the longest day of the year. Wonderbread.

AND...scene.

Let me give you a good idea of where we stand:

Here we are. October something 2003. One night we have a conversation about him and where he was going in life. Like most 20 year olds none of us really know what the hell we're doing, where we are, where we go, what we do when we get there, etc. Yet we still live day to day doing what we force ourselves to do best: go to school, work, bum around, etc. And most likely what one does at this stage gives a good perspective of what one wants to do for the rest of his life.

Doesn't Care About His Girlfriend is going to college. He wants a good future. I support that fully, of course, as I did the same thing.

Btw, this is totally not out of vanity but I did graduate college last summer. I'm turning 21. The justification behind explaining that is because I want to clear up any extravagant age gaps between Doesn't Care and I when I say he's going to college and any of my "when I graduated college" stories. There's a one year difference, my senior. (Did I use that properly? Anyway.)

So he goes to college. He doesn't like what he's doing, he decides to change it next year. Good, right?

Ok, he also thinks he's too nice. A quality that I love in anybody daring to swim against society's evil current of rude-ity (patent pending). He tells me why he thinks he's too nice and I try to remind him who he is. And he's someone that doesn't get pushed around and get stepped all over because he's too nice.

Nice pep talk.

Oh and let me just give you a good summary of how he is at this time and how I've come to grow feelings for this boy. He's hilarious. He's a good dresser. He gives me time (as in he spends it on me - very special to me)... a lot of time. Like any-spare-moment time. He smokes once in a blue moon so his time with me is as sober as...I don't know, something that stays sober a lot. He makes me feel special. He makes me feel appreciated. Most importantly: he thinks I'm cool.

Let's bring it around now, to today, November something 20003 buh? 2003. Too many zeroes.

Well. He's given a second thought to being nice (as in polite and humane). He doesn't think it's him. For some time he felt obligated to be nice for the sake of human decency. (Isn't that enough reason to be nice?... Not anymore.) So his social obligations are basically out the window and I guess the real him (if it is the real him) catches a glimpse of The Care-Free World... and without further adieu he dove in head first.

This is about the time we break up.

So why did we break up? Without the obvious reason of his overnight change over to Doesn't Care, we are set free from puppy love (Stage One) of this crazy game we call love...or like...and into Stage Two. Where the problems arise and we see each other's true colours.

He and I are very different people. Personality wise. We spend our time apart differently. I go to my pubs, cinemas, friends' houses just to chill and escape whatever that I did that day. He'll go to his...weed, friends' houses that have weed, places where he can sell his weed... Can we see where this is going? And for this reason we can't get along. We couldn't name one thing we had in common.

Anyway, I give myself time to think about why I don't feel 100% about this break-up. I mean, two months may seem like sufficient time for some people, but for myself...that's just enough time to break the ice. And well I can't complain, we broke the ice. Sure, there are a few things that I would change about him if I could but even as Doesn't Care he still fascinates me and my feelings for him no matter what still exist.

I imagine how lifeless life would be without him in the picture. He brings me so much that he has no clue of. It just upsets me to think of what it'd be like if we weren't together.

So I bring this to his attention one night. His smooth response to this sensitive situation is, "I don't know, I'll let you know tomorrow." And then I find out that he just doesn't feel anything strong for me. "Maybe once or twice,"

Okay.

"So don't you think that would be enough reason for us to not get back together? I mean, dude...you don't have feelings for me and that's okay. You can't force yourself to feel something that's not there,"

"No. No, that's not enough reason for us to not get back together."

"Yes it is,"

"No, it's not,"

Etc.

"I'll give you a call tomorrow and tell you what I think. Either tonight or tomorrow morning for sure,"

Alright then.

I go home. I think about everything that's been exchanged in idea. I read that "tomorrow" (being the 8th) is my "lousy day" according to Glamour Magazine. Weird thing is that his said the same thing, about the 8th, that is. I'm not one to read horoscopes but for some reason that night I did. I yell out a curse word or two and try to prepare myself for his Final Answer that I'll be hearing "either tonight or tomorrow morning for sure". So I'm bummed and pissed and sad all at once until I've played enough Black Jack on my LG that I fall asleep.

I wake up feeling absolutely exuberant. I don't ever remember waking up and not being able to shake off an exponential amount of girlish glee as I did that day. As much shit there was that hit the fan (or in this case, was going to) I was on Cloud 9. It was almost like being happy for no reason which is my favourite feeling in the whole wide world.

I go to work. Checking my phone every once in a while I'm practically floating from one corner of the store to the other. I spark conversations with just about every other customer about nothing and everything. I'm laughing and talking really loudly with my co-workers. I'm feeling good about myself for some odd reason and I don't think twice about it. I take only one smoke break for the entire 4 hours.

And then Doesn't Care walks in. He looks as happy as he always does, what with the "Don't cross me or I'll cut you" face that he always wears to match his Adidas ensemble. Immediately I take that as a bad sign and I almost take it as far as thinking that I did something I should apologize for.

But wait, I didn't do anything.

He tells me about his night. How he got into a fight because of his buddy's girlfriend that was getting hit on and picked on. As cold as it may sound I didn't really care about any of that nor the fact that he got into a fight because of a girl. Or for a girl, in this case. I try to console him and make it sound like he was a true hero in this situation. I may as well have patted him on the back for what he did. I still didn't care.

Could you get to the important part, please?

He's so pissed he takes off to go for a drive. That'll calm him down some.

He comes back two hours later with that dumb grin that I know of so fondly. He just bought a pair of Timberlands for $230. He kisses me. He gives me a hug. We joke around like we used to. This was familiar and gave me a good feeling about things. Then he says, "I'll give you an answer later. I still need more time. Come by my work later on on my break,"

Son of a bitch...

"Alright. No problem. You better have an answer when I get there, I can't do this anymore,"

So. Hours later I'm done my work, I stop by his work. (I only work during the day as he only works at night). We go to the pool hall across the street. He lays it down. "We'll get back together and see how things go,"

So cold? Just like that, huh.

No feelings whatsoever. And it's been like that since.

We've been back together for what 5 days now. On Day 2, I decide that I want things to be different. I want someone I can talk to. Someone that can talk to me. He says what he has to say about how I can tell him anything. But that's bullshit. As bullshit as he's able to tell me anything. Bullshit.

Days 3 through 5 I don't see him as he's dove right back into his Carefree World that he probably only left temporarily to acknowledge my presence as re-girlfriend. He's been on the wacky tobaccy since the two hours ago that I saw him.

We haven't spent time together since we got back together. He hasn't made me laugh. He hasn't made me feel special. He hasn't given me time. He doesn't think I'm as cool as before. (Obviously the last one is definitely the result of 72 hours of chronic torching). Above anything, I don't think he cares about what he's doing to me, to us...

I saw him tonight for the first time today in 5 days and only because I filled in a shift for him at his work. We wouldn't have seen each other if I said no to his favour. After work he told me about everything he's done in the last 5 days in almost too perfect detail. (Another thing that worries me...as we all know the bad liars are the ones that express how not-guilty they are of doing something with second-by-second detail).

He didn't ask me where I've been for the last three days. Not even when we text messaged each other. I think I did once but that was because he was only calling to see if I could fill in a shift for one of his co-workers.

Bottom line is dude doesn't care. Why should I anymore?



All is lost,


c-dot

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