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Friday, August 29, 2003

You thought it was your time, girl
The phone rang and you thought it was Jesus
But he just called to say 'hey' and
He didn't really leave you a message

However, a boy called you
He didn't leave a message either
He actually just called and hung up
It said "love" was calling when it rang

Thought you almost got it that time, girl
I just don't think he wants you to call back
He woulda left a message, girl
And woulda said it was urgent

Where were you by the way?
You keep missing your calls
I'm running out of things to say
Should I just tell them?

Jesus called you back
He didn't sound too happy
You thought you could keep your secrets
The ones you hide in your purse

It's not your time, girl
Jesus wants to know if you're ok
He told the boy to call you
But the boy doesn't listen

You're alone now
Can't take your messages anymore
Your mood swings out of control
You're starting to lose it
And I can't watch


Thursday, August 28, 2003

Son of a Whore, I'm FREEE

Heartbroken, confused, etc. Yup. If I only had it my way.

But I did it. I dropped out. I'm free until September, my friend...2004 that is! I'm so fucking excited I don't even know where to start. It feels like getting a year back of my life that I probably wasted doing shit-all. One last year to experience what I can't after I'm done school and starting my kick ass career. This is just one more thing to be excited about and one more thing to block out things that I'm not so excited about...or am trying with all my effort to stop thinking about.

Thanks a lot, now I'm thinking about it.

What would you do with a year off to just screw around with...More like, what am I going to buy with all this new income that I will have all of a sudden and where do I want to work to make this happen? I'm so happy I'm just gonna screw waiting for those Ralph Laurens to go on sale. Yippee! I am gonna get SO WASTED ON SATURDAY - Sorry, caps lock. I'm gonna get so fucked up. It's truly exciting. Truly. Undoubtedly.


But I'm not a material girl,

the cri$$y

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Wake The Fuck Up! Let's GOOOOO.

I'm such a bitch. I just ate the three best grapes I've ever had in my entire life.

Exactly one week down until school starts. Why am I so excited and scared at the same time? I don't have a car, it'll take fucking forever to get there by bus and I don't really feel all that passionate about doing a program I already have a diploma for. (Don't ask.)

I'm excited, scared, bored right now. A little more bored than the other two. I think I might actually take some time to escape by making a few back to school purchases. Right now I shouldn't be thinking about what to do to fill up some time as previous plans have been made / broken / re-made / re-broken, etc. But this back to school shopping thing has really brought me back to my feet.

Ok, no it hasn't. But if I can't have what I want then I'll settle for second best. See? Everybody's happy.

Will be waiting forever,

the crissy

Edit: Fuck. I talk about him a lot. I should just re-name this site. I'll tone it down. I promise. But I bet you'll never guess what he said the other day on the phone...just kidding.

I feel like I've tried to end this post at least three times, but I'm just not done yet. Not until I make this up to you. Mom.

In the new issue of Lucky there are about 90 pages worth tearing out. Pants, shoes, jewellery. This was the first issue I've ever bought of this magazine (has been in and out of Shoppers waiting for September's Vogue and / or InStyle) and I'm sincerely impressed.

Ok, wow. I tried and that's as deep as it goes as far as what's on my mind goes. Boys and Vogue. I'll just shut up now. You'll probably be hearing from me later as to how much more heartbroken and frustrated I am with one of the aforementioned life deposits.

And let's just say Vogue can never let me down.

Sunday, August 24, 2003

There's No Room For You Here, Girl, Go Away
- "There's No Room For You Here", White Stripes

I've decided that it is simply impossible for all of these emotions and complications to arise out of me because of one person. So whom else is there for me to blame this on but myself and that's just whose fault it is. I fell hard and I felt harder. ...And it's not just you, that did sound a little dirty.

The sun also rises?

Maybe my dreams crowd my reality and my scope is not to scale. Maybe I am blind in a love haze. Maybe he is, too.

Or maybe it's because we spend all of our fucking free time together.

(I wouldn't trade it for the world).

I already broke one of my rules: absolutely no liking to be directed to anyone or anything. I'm attached and I don't think I want to let go. Until he tells me to fuck off basically, I'll unhinge my kung-fu like grip.

I was gonna go to church to search for some answers but it already started. Maybe I'll try again next Sunday. Ooh...that's no good, I'll be away. Maybe the week after that.


Amen,

c-dot

Saturday, August 23, 2003

Why Can't I Shut Up At The Right Time

If I stop thinking about everything, everything feels just right.

So why does a perfectly fine friendship need to be taken to another level? I've spent so much time thinking about taking this to the next level and why. So far, I've come up with if I saw him off with someone else, I would probably die a slow and torturous death...Starting from the inside and eventually to the out.

Other than that, why should this be taken to the next level? Maybe we're better off this way. Everything that happens for a reason happens.....fuck.....?

"For every love song written, there's another one burnt," That's exactly how it feels. I think that's a Sugar Ray beat. Danko? Good Charlotte? Nonetheless, the song explains.

For every step we get closer to the next level one of us gets left behind and the other has to wait, thus forcing the one ahead to step back and wait for the one left behind. And then it's back at square one. Still with me?

For example, two days ago I left a stupid message on his voicemail ("a weird phone call", apparently...long story) that was probably a bit too emotional, probably the most emotional I've ever beared myself to him (yes on an answering machine and evidently not about time I said something). It was 3 am and I felt like I really needed to let him know that I appreciated all the time he spends being friends with me so I thanked him and told him how happy he makes me. "That's all," And stop freaking out and telling me I was wrong to do so. It was a 20 second speech thanking him for being there and cheering me up, although I'm sure he has absolutely no clue what I'm talking about. I thank the friends that really act as friends to me.

Sometimes there are moments that seem like they get a bit intense that we both back off, or at least I do...not on purpose.

Well, he called the next night on his one day off for the next 8 days to do something and I basically said no. Why? I'm an idiot. Seriously. I wasn't feeling Toronto so I kicked it at home. And then thought about what I just did.

Oh, fuck, it's Aerosmith...! How could I disrespect rock n roll and think that Sugar Ray wrote "Hole In My Soul"? My most sincere apologies.

Where was I. I think this has been the first time I've ever said no to any of his invitations...and don't even go there, this is so much more innocent than anyone thinks.

This is me way behind. I don't know if he'll always be willing wait for me to catch up again. He's gonna get so tired waiting. I'm gonna get so tired waiting.

So why do we bother waiting at all? To reach that "important next level"? What the hell for?...The journey's the most exhausting part so far. What the hell's going to happen if we do reach that next level? I'll tell you what'll happen.

Spontaneous combustion.



is it

the crissy

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

There's Gold In Them Hills

Written by Ron Sexsmith and Chris Martin

you know it doesn't seem that way
but maybe it's the perfect day
even though the bills are pilin'
maybe lady luck came smilin'

but if we'd only open our eyes
you'd see the blessings in disguise
and all the rain clouds are fountains
and though our troubles seem like mountains

there's gold in them hills
there's gold in them hills
so don't lose heart
give the day a chance to start

every now and then life says
where do you think you're going so fast
we're apt to think cruel but sometimes
it's a case of cruel to be kind

but if we get up off our knees
why then we'd see the forest for the trees
and then we'd see the new sun rising
over the hills on the horizon

there's gold in them hills
there's gold in them hills
so don't lose faith
give the world a chance to say

a word or two, my friend
there's no telling how the day might end
and we'll never know until
we see that there's gold in them hills

there's gold in them hills
there's gold in them hills
so don't lose heart
give the day a chance to start

there's gold in them hills
there's gold in them hills

Sunday, August 17, 2003

Buh?

I will never understand people. I will never understand myself.

Now that that's outta the way... Okay, Saturday night. I just told a guy I really care about who was feeling sick to his stomach for the last few days to "Suck it up, move on. Get over it."? You'd think I'd have some of that maternal instinct to care enough and the wits to not say stupid shit like that, especially to him. I have issues. Serious issues.

I blame this on him. I'm all fucked up, out of reality and now I'm going crazy. Shall I make a sign? "How long should I wait"? "Should I bother waiting at all"? What am I waiting for?

I'm beginning to doubt my decisions so far. Do I like him because I see him so much that it just feels right? Or because he's really my type of guy? Maybe he's one step ahead, has thought all about this and is already taking back everything that might've been.

I'm as dumb as I look and twice as ugly.

Update: A retarded crank call may have let the cat out of the bag. I'm an idiot. Seriously. How did I get myself into this?

WHY AM I STILL THINKING ABOUT THIS ?!?!?!

It's time for Plan B. If I can't get anywhere by being nice and respecting God's green earth...in my own way...then maybe things will change if I'm a complete asshole. From now on, there will be absolutely no liking of any sort to be directed to anyone or anything.

c-dot

Friday, August 15, 2003

Fuck

Fuckin' people,
fuckin' computers,
fuckin' weather,
fuckin' lungs,
fuckin' liars,
fuckin' blackouts,
fuckin' electricity,
fuckin' boredom,
fuckin' idiots,
fuckin' bad drivers,
fuckin' road rage,
fuckin' school,
fuckin' time,
fuckin' poseurs,
fuckin' age,
fuckin' work,
fuckin' image,
fuckin' feelings,
fuckin' love,
fuckin' city,
fuckin' nonsense,
fuckin' time wasters,
fuckin' money,
fuckin' highways,
fuckin' lies,
fuckin' crowds,
fuckin' losers,
fuckin' kiss-ass,
fuckin' wannabe, f
uckin' jealous,
fuckin' alone.

Ffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

c-dot

Friday, August 08, 2003

Such a Journey in the Last Week

I went from never feeling so alone in my life to feeling like the happiest and the strongest as I've ever been.



She doesn't deserve it,

c-dot

Thursday, August 07, 2003

"Don't worry 'cause I'll always be there for you..." - "Don't Worry", Appleton

Who would have thought I would be quoting a song by the two ex-members of All Saints?

I've had an incredible day today and I think it mostly has to do with waking up on the right side of the bed. Of course not just that but well, there's so few people in my life that make everything that doesn't make sense...well, make sense for lack of a better explanation. This feeling sings every song from "Here you'll be needing one of these (hands tissue)".

"...You don't know how lovely you are,
I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart."
- "The Scientist", Coldplay

The most beautiful thing. I feel like such a tool for sounding like this but I'm so engulfed. I would die happy at this moment.

Anyway, there are so few people in my life that just seem to pull this puzzle together that I get scared when I think about how much sense everything seems to make. I re-use the term making sense a lot but that's really what I'm feeling right now. Everything makes sense, my heart starts to beat and I could say that I'll smile while I sleep tonight if I could see myself awake.

If anything it really feels like I'm still asleep. This couldn't happen to me if I was awake. How is it possible to feel such deep joy around someone? Deep joy in the world around me that I hate, deep joy in myself that I hate, deep joy in everything that I wish never existed.

This feeling is every sappy love song that I switch every time I hear one. Right now, I confess, I'd leave it on. And listen from beginning to end.

This post has to end I'm making myself sick...

But I'll end it with a sappy love song. Just kidding.

She's blind in a love haze,

the crissy

"Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money," (Heh-heh. I wish.) - "Boys and Girls", Good Charlotte

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

It's Been a Slow Day, Alright

Ok, so I made two CDs today. One in the theme of August, whatever that means, and the second one in the theme of ineffably* emotional songs that you cry to when you're by yourself and think that no one can see you even though you're in a car without tinted windows.

*I thought it was spelt "inaffable" which apparently means something else.

August 2003
You got it, I name my CDs after the date they were made on. How complicated.

1. Three Dog Night - Joy to the World (Jeremiah Bullfrog)
2. Ron Sexsmith f/ Chris Martin - Gold In Them Hills
3. Appleton - Don't Worry
4. 311 - Amber
5. Sublime - Santeria
6. Wilco - I'm The Man That Loves You
7. Sam Roberts - Good People Gone
8. Good Charlotte - Boys And Girls
9. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - I Believe I Can Fly
10.Queens of the Stone Age - Go With The Flow
11.The White Stripes - Hardest Button To Button
12.Evanescence - Going Under
13.Linkin Park - Faint
14.3 Days Grace - I Hate Everything About You
15.The Used - Buried Myself Alive
16.Limp Bizkit - My Generation (Edited version with lovely sound effects)
17.R. Kelly - Remix To Ignition
18.Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body
19.Sean Paul - Get Busy


My Personal Ultimate Chill-Out Mix
Otherwise known as, Here you'll be needing one of these (hands tissue).

1. John Mayer - City Love
2. Ron Sexsmith f/ Chris Martin - Gold In Them Hills
3. Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One
4. Foo Fighters - I'll Be Coming Home Next Year
5. 311 - Champagne
6. Norah Jones - Don't Know Why
7. Coldplay - The Scientist
8. Appleton - Don't Worry
9. Faultline f/ Chris Martin - Where's My Boy?
10.Diana Krall - I Miss You So
11.Badly Drawn Boy - Something To Talk About
12.Remy Shand - Rock Steady
13.Gwyneth Paltrow / Huey Lewis - Cruisin'
14.Elton John - Tiny Dancer
15.Shania Twain - Forever And For Always


A majority of my "soundtracks" depict a good representation of how I feel at the time. It's funny because I look at all these songs that I've piled together and wonder, how is it possible to feel so strongly for someone who's NOT THERE.

I thought I was ok. And I've felt lost before but I've always eventually found my way. I don't know how much longer I can do this for, and no that's not foreshadowing any future suicide.

I think I might just give up on love and take up knitting.

And her name was...

Cri-ss-ahn-ndra

Monday, August 04, 2003

Wake

She wakes up from her nightmare
and takes a look around;
She looks down at the note she wrote
she left it to be found.

She told the world she was left behind
so she left behind a note;

but in detail she writes about the boy she stalked
and why he loved her back,

but in detail she writes about the song she loved
and why it hated her back,

but in detail she writes about herself a lot
and why she doesn't talk.

She wants to spill her secrets
to someone dying to listen;
Unfortunately she's just unequal
And as equal as your question mark.

She's face down on the pillow
and loses her sleep at night;
She yells at herself in the mirror
and quietly weeps to herself in the dark.

She slipped back into a slumber
Hands folded across her chest

Pill boxes bury the expression on her face

That smile will never last.

c-dot

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