Friday, February 06, 2004

I Promise: No More Bad Break-Up Poetry

So, in a nutshell let's take a look at what's happened in the last two months:

1. We broke up, naturally.

2. Went to the company Christmas party anyway (he'd have to be there too).

3. Mr X shacks up with Miss X, hell let's just call her Crystal my co-worker for fun, and things go on merrily - that is, behind my back. She's blonde.

4. Two weeks later, Mr X "surprises" me with his confession as if I was kidding when I would always say "I know everything"...because I do. And I did.

5. Crystal doesn't necessarily feel slightly obligated to throw me a "hey, I know we work together and I'm sorry things didn't work out with you guys but I'm seeing him now...just so you know" my way.

6. I get hung up over the initial shock of the news for a little while, people try to get a rise out of me, I play the puppet until I realised - what the?! What?...Wait - I still don't care. I let go of these people in my life and listen to my own instincts.

7. They still be seein' each other and all that. And that's cool. But it still wouldn't hurt for Crystal, ahem, Miss X to step to me and be straight up. We work together and all. All I expect is what is expected of me. That's all.

8. I recently just got a job in my field so sadly it's time to part with my part time job I've been working in since high school. This is saying goodbye to so much more than words can say.

This job has encompassed so much of my adolescence: I started in 2000. The first time I had my first boyfriend of 2 years and some, the first guy I really fell in love with that I'm still hung up on right now (damn you, girlfriend!) and then the last guy...but you've heard enough of him.

Meeting Sex and the City and inspiring a whole new wardrobe that would make any InStyle or Vogue enthusiast smile.

High school, college, internships, other jobs. This job was the only constant in my life for 4 years and now that I have to let it go and move on to something so grown-up...it's kinda scary. But really exciting at the same time.

"I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run away
and leave it all behind?"

--Foo Fighters, "Times Like These"

Monday, December 01, 2003

Ok, No She's Not

Besides turning my life's absurdities into a public display, I do actually have something good to say. I don't have any right to bitch right now. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason.

We aren't right for each other. I was chasing after something. Well, love, obviously. I chased and chased but it only took me up until now to realise that I was heading in the wrong direction. I forced a lot of thoughts only to push us further ahead and all this pushing because I was so blind. I didn't pay attention. We lost couplehood quite some time ago and it really only lasted out of technicality. We got along the few times that we saw each other. The rest of the time I was turning into the raging bitch that makes me Girlfriend. At least Girlfriend to the wrong guy.

I'll know I'm the right girlfriend to the right guy when Raging Bitch doesn't release herself because my own boyfriend doesn't want to see me...and strings me along as his "girlfriend". Raging Bitch only exists when there's a stop sign ahead. And she'll only ignore the stop sign if she's not paying attention to the road.

Too much lame metaphor? I know. Sound like a doofus writing poetry? Probably. Is this all necessary to explain to an audience that I pretend exists? Not really.

And so I continue.

I learned a pretty fucking decent lesson in all this. I discovered where I went wrong. I didn't realise what the real wrong was until the third and last time we'll break up. Feelings change. I tried to get myself to admit that he was the right one for me...excuse after excuse...it was like I was looking for reasons why we were together. That was challenging enough when it should never have been.

In a clearer state of mind I can at least see that there was no real feeling between us. I liked him more because he made me laugh and because he thought spending time with me was valuable. At some point somehow I made him feel good around me and I thought spending time with him was valuable. Naturally I thought it was a relationship worth progressing to see where it could go and here we are. I don't feel any stronger for him than I have for the 6 months we've been sort of seeing each other (3 months of pre-dating). And by now I should know if I could love him or not and I pretty much know that that's impossible. At least with the way we are.

I know what it feels like to have someone like me and eventually that feeling he had for me slowly disappeared. I ignored that. He was busy, work...school. It shouldn't be like that. He's right. If he had stronger feelings for me then our time together wouldn't be non-existent. If I didn't hear him say that, I'd probably be in bed crying or wishing things were like they were before. And sure, I miss those days but reference to the past isn't really a vital portion of living tomorrow. All I can really do with the past is learn from it and remember it. I'm moving forward and hoping that we don't end up hating each other somehow.

It's a different kind of laughter when we joke around. I laugh so he doesn't feel stupid and he probably does the same for me. Real laughter doesn't feel staged or expected it just happens.

What was I thinking? Now that I think of all the times that were "special" I remember how shitty I felt afterward. There were a lot of times when I left feeling like I was on cloud ten, but I think the shitty outnumbered the cloud tens. We never talked about the future, on a number of occasions he's told me "when he marries his Croatian wife...", he never bought me the obligatory lame flowers that are automatically expected every few weeks in the beginning of the relationship, he doesn't...cuddle (I fucking hate that word but I love doing it), he doesn't whisper sweet nothings in my ear, enough conversations about the man controlling a relationship and why it was best that way, and he never lets me through the door first. That's always bugged the shit out of me. Where's the chivalry? Where's the gentlemen? And where the fuck is the romance! Fuck. He's never surprised me with something good.

I've pretty much decided on qualities in a guy that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with based on what he didn't provide for me. Not monetarily (I can do that myself) but emotionally. There's no passion. No intimacy. But there was commitment. There were also enough bad times to cancel out the good times. And we had a lot of good times.

I always knew that I was starting to not feel like myself around him. And I know he doesn't feel like himself around me. It took me 21 years to like who I am and I don't like who I am when I'm around him. I was starting to feel like I had to try hard to get him to like me back (?). That's definitely one of the shittiest feelings ever.

This is good. Shitty in a subjective way but I know better and that I'm going to be living trial and error and this was just one of "those". I'll get over it soon enough. I think I just need to keep thinking clearly and stop fucking whining. (Baby.)

Now on to clearer things. I know what I want in a guy and he may possess a few qualities but all-around... I would seriously need a few years to condition him into what I was looking for. Maybe that's why I didn't want the break up. My lazy ass didn't want to have to go back out there and find the right one. I would've rather turned the bad one into the perfect one. That's way more work.

If I'm surprised about anything it's the way things sort of just cleared up in the matter of a day. I feel so sorry that I made him think that I thought there was something further between us. I actually do feel that we're not right for each other but now I know why and have accepted it. At least I can say that I didn't try to make things work out as people can work things out. People have their differences and match but ours just clash. We're too different in the bad way that fucks things up. Not in a way that just makes things interesting. I think I even found myself trying to pick up his interests. What the fuck was that?

It's time to go back to being Crissandra. The individual that's swayed only by product placement and advertising. Time to be myself again.

"That seven-fingered hand thing really freaked me out,"

"Yeah, I know! I did it to Gandhi and he didn't eat for three weeks"

Saturday, November 29, 2003

For Fuck's Sake

Life's a bitch.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

That's it. I'm eating properly, getting more sleep and stressing out less. I think I have a cold sore.
Without even trying it so happens I've gotten a lot of reassuring answers. We didn't even have to argue. It actually happened over a game we made up which was actually as much fun as it was full of important meaningful answers. Actually, I think it started as soon as we got in the car holding candy we just bought: "If I get a Scooby I get to slap you in the face,".

Will there ever be an inbetween? One day I hate him for all the right reasons. The next day I love him all over again even more and then even moreso because of his flaws.

I think my only problem was that weeks would go by and we wouldn't have one date behind us. An hour here and there of his spare time wasn't good enough for me. And I'd get the ends of it where he'd be too tired to do anything. Sometimes even too tired to just chill. And so one thought lead to another and because he reassured me of jack shit, I didn't feel safe anymore. And so I questioned the place I was in. We almost broke up on his birthday because of me. I didn't like where I was and I was forced to do something about that. Since he said fuck breaking up, as a couple, things progressively got a lot better. Kinda like old times but I feel way closer to him now than before.

"With the way things are going right now, how long do you see this lasting,"

"With the way things are going right now... A long, long time."

Sunday, November 23, 2003

I'm lost. Like looking for a door in the dark, I want to leave but can't see how.

Hate is pure. Love is weak.

I fall for it. I believe in it. Plays me like a game.

You'd do anything for him
at least that much he knows
Cause he'll squeeze you for your last penny
and sympathize when you're broke

He wears your heart like a trophy
and guards his like a troll
If he says something nice
he'll take it back by ending the joke

Funny thing is
This is him being nice
Whether he's ever sincere or not
I think I'll never know

I need you
I need you to need me
I need you to let me know how you feel about me
I need to know if you're there
or there for me
I need to stop making excuses
and speaking for your actions
I need to know
Are you using me

Tell me the truth
Why do you want me
Because I'd fly to see you
Because I'd die to please you
Because I'd kill to feed you

Why's mine the only heart in this
Are you teasing it
Hope you can take it from me
Take it, watch it die alone?

You lead me into darkness
But trust your guiding hand
I take your word for what it says
But I really listen to your actions

I need you
So does she
You make choices
But you don't feel them
You speak your words like a robot
For what's technically right
So wrong

Please be fair
Show me what your heart sees
Tell me what your heart hears
Let me know what your heart feels

Don't let me drown, not in my tears
Don't let my heart drop from your hands,
take what you won't take care of
Our heart won't survive under here

I need to know
I don't want you want me
Because you know you can have me

Tell me the truth
Why do you want me
Because I'd fly to see you
Because I'd die to please you
Because I'd kill to feed you

I can't be your hobby
Your spare time
The solution to your boredom

You need to need me
You need to feel for me
You need to let me know
So I know where to go

I'll drown
Because I hold my breath
To wait for you to tell me what's real

So we talk
So we argue
So we break up
get back together

You need to know, yourself
Are you scared of what you feel
Because it's not for me

Don't leave me down here
We can't get lost together

Do you string me around
Are you settling or choosing
Helps you feel good about yourself?

You've got what you want
Don't have what we need

You need to let me know
You need to let me know

I need to find my way to move forward
Can't stay stuck here forever

Don't let me drown in my fear
I need to know what you feel
I 've got to know what's real

I can't play this game to see if I lose

You need to let me know


Friday, November 21, 2003

C is for 'Chill'

What a week. This past week alone could've sent me to the crazy house.

It all came down to remembering to have faith in chaos. So I did. I am. Whatever. Anyway, as positive a person I am, sometimes it's a quality that's easy to lose. I doubted all of my decisions and turned to my worst thoughts and fears. I let them consume me wholely.

I've got to learn to chill. I think I take some things that don't need to be, too seriously. Or do I? I know I doubt the poor bastard almost needlessly at all times. I think I've just got some senseless trust issues. He's a good guy. He acts differently but that's it. He's still a good guy and I seemed to have pushed that aside like it wasn't important. He's a good guy and I like him for that.

I think this post is really like a post-redeemer...no lame pun intended. This was meant to balance out all the crap that I've complained about in the last week or so as it was vastly overanalyzed.

This last week of arguing or yelling eventually brought us somewhere and it wasn't apart. If anything, I feel closer to him more now than ever. Since we've talked somewhat civilized throughout, things have made so much more sense now than when he told me answers to various conversation q's.

The two of us have been through enough together in the last week and the best part is that at this time I'm even happier with him than I was before. Just when you thought you couldn't like someone any more...he shows me up.

I'm not saying everything's perfect now. But things seem to be developing and growing towards some place really shiny and sunny. I'm feeling really good about this right now.


Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Your Pants Are So On Fire

Who knows anymore.

Last night was the night that was going to test the strength of our relationship. I decided to break up with him. For real this time, no wussing out. I called him the night before, on his birthday, when he ditched me yet one more time. He was with some other people, which I don't mind. It just woulda been nice if 'other people' were me. If not last night then maybe every once in a while. But no. It was enough at this point. Back together for 2 weeks and I feel more broken up now than when we actually were broken up. He made it clear what his priorities were and I can't control that.

So, as pissed off as I was that our plans were broken (something I only found out only by calling him) it was the right time to end this lasting misery of a relationship. I coulda been heartless and broken up with him on his birthday but I decided to at least wait until midnight. I was angry but I'm not that cold of a bitch even when I'm hurt. So, I waited til midnight. No small talk just, "um...I don't think we should do this anymore,". Needless to say, he was pissed and he was driving someone home so he said we'd talk about this tomorrow. I felt guilty. But it felt right.

Ten minutes later I get a nasty text message addressed from him. Some mean shitty things to say to someone, I'll tell you that much. A nanosecond later I call him greeting him with a "What the fuck." The message has actually been sent by a Stacey, the passenger in his car whom he was driving home. Oh, really? Anyway, point being this was just a confirmation of a decision I had made ten minutes ago. Son of a bitch...

We make an appointment with each other to talk about this whole break up / Stacey thing the next day. We meet up. All are in a good mood. He makes it a point to tell me that he called her this morning and told her off. I don't think he's even got her number and if he does then, what the hell is he doing with it? We cross the plaza to the familiar pool hall that I've sorta grown to feel comfortable in. As soon as we hit the stop sign before we actually get in the parking lot he asks, "So what's wrong with us now..." And then it was every man for himself.

I yelled, with no intention of yelling, about everything that pissed me off about us. My main argument was that he has no time for a girlfriend, which is inevitably true and obvious to anyone that hangs around either of us individually. And the only way that the "anyone" knows is because boy and girl aren't together. I'm usually just wasting my time building a new money-spending hobby while he's making every use of his 24 hour day.

Why do I feel like such a waste of time. If I was a priority I'd have one of his 24 hours. Not even necessarily on a daily basis just every so often. Even a phone call just to say hi and not asking for money or a favour. I'm doing him a favour by cutting this out of his life so he'd have even less to worry about and more time for everything else. In conclusion, he'd continue whatever the hell that he already does minus the burden. It doesn't feel like a relationship anymore. I can't find anything right about it anymore. My heart's already starting to break and I'd like to fix it before it gets worse. It's only been trained to be so tough.

He listened to all this. He yelled back. He gave some explanation to my unanswerable questions. But most importantly he actually looks passionate when he says, "So why do we have to cut this out, why can't we just fix it???"

This seemed like an all too predictable scenario: He doesn't have time for me, I come up with a way to solve that, we go our separate ways.

So we go into the pool hall. We sit down in front of a touch-screen, one of those machines that you can play games on, kinda looks like a tv. And he says, "Why don't I make more time for you and be nicer to you from now on, eh?" I agree, of course. I think we actually have a moment together and then we continue on with our game.

I give him his kickass birthday present before he heads inside his building, he asks me to hang out with him tomorrow morning before he goes to school, I accept, I head home, I go to bed feeling good.

Without ruining that moment he calls me in the morning. He's obviously just waking up, too, and it's way too late to do anything since he has school in less than two hours. He asks me what I'm doing tonight I say I don't know and then he pretty much responds with an "ok, that's nice,". Not really what I was expecting but maybe he'll actually surprise me in a good way.

He calls again a couple hours later, I'm still sleeping and he jokes that I just ditched him, "we were supposed to hang out two hours ago!" Haha, we hang up, I go back to sleep.

And I don't hear from him ever again. And then my eye puffs up as if my emotional punch in the face has just been personified.

So I have all day to think about whether he was just being nice to me at the pool hall because he needed to borrow money or because he was just being genuinely caring.

And then I remember a part of our argument in the car when he said that it was too late to go out (it was 11:30p, I could believe that) but then he says later on in a different part of the argument that we coulda stayed out until "this morning". So which is it. When will the truth chime in. Within you or within us.

It all feels like a sham.

I don't know what to believe anymore. Maybe I'm being a typical woman (most likely) and overanalyzing everything (definite positive) but I won't lie about feeling slightly hurt again. I'm back at square one.

I don't know who the liar is anymore. Him for believing that we should fix our problem or me believing that he actually wants to fix our problem. Maybe we're both lying for mysterious reasons.

If I could only stop feeling,


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